I resolved never to resolve. Stuff happenz! 

A long time ago, I made a few "resolutions" (observations, really) that have endured over the years, and remain staunchly in my heart and mind to this day, and through the new year.

Put Christ first. Love yourself, for only then can you love someone else. Truth really does matter, so revere it. Science is a tool, not the truth. Most truths are discerned, not discovered. What you do and say matter, but what you think matters more.

...and on New Year's Eve, I said to my wife...

"Another year is dawning!
God be willing, let it be,
for better or for worse,
another year with thee."

 

In 1998 I came back to Connecticut, and found it in the same condition that it was in when I left.  Gray and cold.  No flowers, no foliage, only dead leaves, muddy slush and weather-beaten houses.   I came because I hoped for a warm hearth, some friends and, most of all, spiritual peace.  I didn't think it would be asking too much.  After all, there were some of these in my memories, however few.  It's said that there is a powerful correlation between one's spirits and the surrounding environment.  But, I'm beginning to realize that the correlation, if one exists at all, is minimal and related only to the lack of sunlight on the skin.  Lord knows I wasn't suffering from seasonal affective disorder in Florida!  No, in my own controlled experiment, with an n of one, Connecticut's winter merely exacerbated an already existing condition.  Still, I'll stay because Connecticut is beautiful in spring.  I don't expect the spring to lift my spirits, though.  Unless there's peace somewhere hidden in the rain, sort of like the rainbow is.  Maybe it'll be better in the summer.   Or fall.

Lost thoughts and forgotten poetic insights of my most cherished experiences are bothering me.  I have lived and loved so well in my life.  I have seen such beauty, and have said and done such beautiful things that I cannot recapture in words because I was foolish enough to believe that they would be housed safely in someone's heart forever. So proud was I that another human being would think enough of them to safeguard them for me.  Now I am ashamed and lonely once again.  I wish I had my words and deeds in front of me to recollect and reminisce over.  They would be enough to sustain me.  But if she were here, they would be alive, forever.  And so would we.  With her, I was the best I ever was.